Thursday, April 28, 2005

Evangelicals for Sodomy

A report by Yale and Columbia Universities has found that teens who sign an "abstinence pledge" and remain virgins until married are just as likely to get STDs as their peers. Boys who signed the pledge were four times as likely to engage in anal sex, and overall pledgers were six times as likely to engage in oral sex. It should be noted that both anal and oral sex are considered sodomy. Ever given or received a hummer? You're a sodomite. Welcome to the club.

President Bush has boosted funding for abstinece only education in schools. As if withholding information on sex will keep teens from having sex. It won't. It will just keep them from having safe sex.

Abstinence only education is akin to taking a driver's education class where they tell you the only way to 100% avoid accidents is not to drive a car. While true, it's not very practical. Neither is waiting until marriage. That may have been fine 150 years ago where people were getting married at 15 and the life expectancy was 40. Hmmm, do you think that the reason teens want to have sex is that they are sexually mature?

Evangelicals for Sodomy. Coming soon to a t-shirt near you.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

New Rules

Here are some new rules for society:

1. Never, ever, ever talk on a cell phone while using a urinal. Especially at work. People know you there, dude.
2. Do not ever vote for a man named "Dick". Inevitably he will step on his own dick, making you feel like a dick in the process. Don't be a dick.
3. Don't be on TV if you have no game. You'll look like an idiot, the spot will circulate on the internet, and for the rest of your life people will come up to you and say "Boom goes the dynamite".

  • Exhibit A
  • Monday, April 25, 2005

    Fun Car Game

    I hate stupid people. Doubly so when I'm driving. There are people that just shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car and be allowed to operate it. I also live in Southern California, so it's probably a joy to be in the passengers seat when I'm at the wheel.

    There are several categories of bad drivers. The most annoying ones are the assholes. These are the people that can't follow merging etiquette, taking turns one car per lane. They usually drive big, honking, gas-guzzling, make up for my erectile dysfunction vehicles (hence the name "Hummer" is astoundingly appropriate). These are the shitheads that also drive on the shoulder when traffic is backed up. They cut people off and drive way too fast in unsafe conditions. Many times they have a "No Fear" sticker on their cars. I'm just waiting for nature to select them out of the gene pool. They are almost always males in their teens and twenties.

    Another annoying bunch are the obliviouos, self-important drivers. The kind that do some of the same stuff as the assholes above, without the spite. These idiots have an inherent sense of superiority vis a vis everyone else, i.e., the unwashed masses. Usually they drive BMW's, Lexuses (Lexi?), or Mercedes Benzs. They are equally distributed between men and their trophy wives with impeccable plastic surgeons.

    The third group are the doddering, indecisive morons who drive on the freeway at 40 mph (in the fast lane), or who try to merge onto freeway traffic doing 25 mph. They also drive for miles with their turn-signals on and they are completely oblivious to the hazards they pose on the open road. Here is where the game comes in.

    The first two groups are easy to identify because of the cars they drive. They are also likely to be passing you, rather than the other way around, so you can see them coming and think "asshole" or "rich bitch" well before they pass you. The third group, however is not so easily identifyable by vehicle. Typically, you will be passing them and will not see their faces until you can get around them. The game involves identifying their demographic. My wife and I call the game "Old or Asian?" Are they old or are they Asian? Whoever guesses wins. You can keep score on long road trips, or even to and from work. You would be surprised how the points rack up. You score two points if you are correct. You two two point if you are wrong. If the driver is neither old nor asian, you lose one point. If you really want to rack up the points you can guess "Old and Asian". That's worth five. It's worth only one if you are half-right, and minus five if the driver is neither old nor Asian. For extra style points, you can roll down your window and yell, "Thanks for perpetuating the stereotype!" You can play to a set score, say twenty, or you can play until the end of your trip. This is what keeps me from going on a kill-crazy rampage. That, and I don't want to go to prison because I have a purty mouth.

    Before anyone jumps down my throat about being a racist, I want to point out that my wife is Japanese, and I am half Filipino. So fuck off.

    Friday, April 22, 2005

    It's work. Leave your brain at home.

    Never underestimate the stupidity of college graduates. Recently, I was asked to get a new water cooler base for one of our offices because the current one was "broken". There was a full bottle of water on the cooler, yet water could not be dispensed. Someone had taken the time to order a new water cooler base and the new one was just waiting to be picked up at shipping and receiving.

    One of my co-workers, (I'll call him "Jonathan", which is coincidentally his real name) and I went out to take the old water bottle off of the base, return the "broken one, and bring back the new base. We decided to take the entire thing outside, since we didn't want to spill gallons of water on the floor. So we lug the damn thing outside and take the water bottle off. No water came out. Not a drop. The moron who put the water bottle on the cooler never bothered to take off the lid. Unbelievable.

    I'm no longer surprised by the number of people who leave their brains at home when they come to work. Corporations have figured this out quite a long time ago and they have various strategies to limit the damage that the brain-dead drones can do. Of course Corporations also suffer from a lack of oxygen to the brain, so their strategies also, to put in bluntly, suck.

    The newest thing in vogue where I work is having S.O.P.'s, standard operating procedures written out in basic steps to limit the amount of decision making any employee has to make. These are mind numbingly detailed steps designed so that any literate monkey could follow the directions and perform a task. We now have an S.O.P. for changing water bottles. My suggestion was to stop hiring troglodites, but I was told that would too severly limit our labor pool. Beautiful.

    Thursday, April 21, 2005

    Things about Latin you never wanted to know and will never need to use

    I never would have imagined I would become interested in a dead language (an odd choice to start my first real post, as I'm sure none of you could give a dingo's kidney about it either). It seemed to me that the only people who knew Latin were priests or those unfortunate enough to be banished to parochial school throughout their childhood. Nuns with power complexes and the rote memorization of a dead language must do wonders for one's character. Just ask the poor bastard who got attacked by a deranged Irish priest in the Olympic marathon. But I digress...

    Since my job entails a passing knowledge of exotic sounding taxonomic names like "megaptera novangilae" or "loligo opalescens" (humpback whale and squid for the uninitiated), I figured I should at the very least learn how to pronounce them. I decided to search the internet for a guide to pronouncing Latin. I found quite a few which appeared promising, but after reading them with some depth I discovered that they were touting conflicting rules. I finally stumbled upon one that explained why: there are four distinct rules to pronunciation, depending on the use of Latin. One is for reading Latin texts, one is for scientific use, one is for going to Catholic Church (at least before Vatican II), and the last is for common use in English. Here's an example of the different ways to say "Julius Caesar":

    Reading Latin texts (reconstructed ancient Roman): YOO-lee-us KYE-sahr
    Scientific use (northern Continental Europe): YOO-lee-us (T)SAY-sahr
    Church use (southern Continental Europe): YOO-lee-us CHAY-sahr
    Common English (bastardized American use): JOO-lee-us SEE-zer

    I even found a handy chart to show the differences between the four Latin methods. You can find it here:

    Now all of your Latin pronuciation questions can be answered on one sheet of paper. Huzzah!

    The only thing that sucks is that the correct Latin pronunciation sounds totally funky (bear with me here).Take "otariidae" (the family to which sea lions and fur seals belong). I learned to pronounce it as "oat-uh-RYE-id-day" and it should be pronounced "ott-uh-RIH-ih-dee". Don't even get me started with Ziphiidae or Commersonii. Ugh.

    On the plus side, I emailed the author of the paper (a linguistics professor at U of Georgia) to thank him and he was totally stoked that someone had actually read the damn thing. In fact, we exchanged e-mails a few times today and gave me even more non-useful Latin trivia: What should the plural of octopus be? Octopuses or octopi? Actually, it should be "octopodes" because "octopus" is Greek and not Latin. Of course "octopodes" never really picked up steam in common English. My new goal is to try to revive it. I will not rest until I hear Gary Thorne and Bill Clement talk about the tradition of throwing octopodes on the ice during a Red Wings' Stanley Cup run.

    It's Happy Fun Blog

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    Welcome to Happy Fun Blog. We'll just see how this goes. This is my happy fun place, which may or may not be true at any given time. Maybe this is happy fun therapy. Who knows? Maybe it will be a happy fun catastrophe. Thanks for stopping in. Let the games begin.